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Goodbye

hunger

Sometimes you get hungry. Just because it’s 5AM and you don’t eat at time like that. But you get pleasure feeling hungry _ your stomach completely empty _ your head so light.

And you’ll understand that you never really come back from Ana. It’s in you – no, wait, it’s a part of you, it’s in you, maybe it’s you. Even if you eat (always feeling guilty), and you don’t throw up (you’ve never done), it’s still there, waiting. One day you’ll fall _ through the mirror _ and She’ll be there to catch you and hold you forever. Little scary.

You’d even talk to someone. But you can’t. That’s it.

Maybe, someone’ll read.

BlogDay 2006

BlogDay 2006. More infos here – in Italian. Sorry, it’s not much detailed, but it’s really late and I finally start to go to bed early (let’s say about midnight)… and I’m almost sleeping on my laptop!

The World According To Me
English.

Sebastiano
Italian.

Ale’s Pages
Italian.

Antonio Genna
Italian.

Conticini
Italian.

Good night to everybody!

BlogDay

Fire, friends and life in general

Ok then, I haven’t been here for a while, but here I am back! (You really happy, I guess… u_u)

By the way, these days have been good days for love – even if he’s starting to work at night tomorrow (today… Monday, I mean), I’m calm and relaxed, with, as lonely preoccupation, the choice of a movie to see tomorrow. Not romantic, I prefear horrors, action, adventure, fantasy movies… and I don’t really know what to see! If anybody has an idea…

Then, for the ‘friends’ aspect of these days… oh, that’s bad. A new friend, from Romania, I’m helping find a job before losing her permit of stay, and some bad news… An old friend of mine (46yrs, suffering of distrophy) is getting worse, really worse. And I’m so sad for him. I cried a lot, but it doesn’t help. And he once said me he’d like to die soon – without suffering too much. I don’t know if I have to hope this all finshes soon, or him to get better – and then, of course, worse again. I just hope he’s going to be happy, one day.
And another friend of mine… well, maybe not ‘friend’. He’s supposed to write about me and criticize me – without writing my name, I don’t know if it is for honesty or cowardy – in his blog, without the courage to talk with me about what’s wrong. If there is something wrong, obviously.

Then, I’ve always fallen asleep past 7 in the morning these days, and I’m a little tired… better if I go sleep now ^^

That’s a good day!

Today has been a good day, at last. I spent the night talking with Deirdre and playin’ with Donkey Kong Country 3, then I said Good morning to my boyfriend, waited for an answer that didn’t arrive, and then slept until about 13.00. Lunch, DragonBall, Griffin (Family Guy is the original title, I think) and then I slept again, until 18.30… I searched for a CD of my boyfriend, copied a DVD, get a shower and had dinner.
And then, Denis arrived. He was quite happy and we had a really good time together, playin’ with the GameBoy, watchin’ the end of the movie we started to see yesterday and talking about anything and everything. I love his jokes and I love his laugh… and the way the touches and kisses me. And I love him. <3

Breakdown

Yes, I went to the mall with my parents and yes, I ate japanish food until I couldn’t even breath.
But I broke down. I can’t avoid thinkin’ about all the time we’re probably going to spend apart.
I’m falling down, and there’s no-one to catch me.

First night

That’s the first time he had to leave sooner than usually. It has been not so difficult, even if a little melancholy came to me – but I sent it away with some other brushes/patterns downloads and some ideas about some of my sites.
All right, then. All is going well.

I get an email from a person from which I hadn’t have news since a long time – a man I really love, he’s extraordinary. It has maked me very, very happy – such a big surprise!
I often think about him. Sometimes I thought about writing him, but I’m always afraid to disturb (it’s illogical with emails, I know) and some months ago I also lost his email address. And then… <3

Tomorrow me and my parents are maybe going to the mall. Mum’s curious about all I said – and I’m really happy to go back there, and eat “some” more sushi.
Ok, a lot more.
I like goin’ out with my parents, expecially with dad… ’cause we don’t spend much time together, and also ’cause he’s like me: do you like it? You buy. No problems – except of course when it’s really expensive. And he always buys me something
It’s all right. All right

Proudness

So, Ireally enjoyed my time, and I was proud of me and he was proud of me.
And a moment ago I had a little crack in myself, but just for a moment. I’m going to have all nights for me, for my inspiration, for my sites, for my graphic and… for sleeping too! I suffer of insomnia and maybe is going to get better if Ihave time to go to bed whenever I want, without waiting him to leave.
(I’m tryin’ to convince myself )

So, I bought no milkshakes (too many people… really too many. I hate crowd) but I bought a lot of other things, like a beautiful necklace, and a professional set of shampoo, balsam and mask for my poor hair, green flip-flop, two books (one for insomnia, one about Magic and Paganism), body oil (useful for massages… I love to massage him and be massaged ^^), coloured hair spray (purple for me, red for my hell boy), some things for mum and dad and other things I don’t remember. He bought me two games for GameBoy Advance ^^ And, after almost a year (or maybe more!), I ate sushi!! I didn’t know there is a sushi bar in that mall… it was maybe the biggest surprise ^^ (sushi’s my favourite food!)
At 20.30 we leave and went to blockbuster before come back home… we wanted to take a DVD, and we took: a DVD for rent (The Exorcist: the Beginning, which we have seen at the cinema and I loved it…), and he bought me a VHS (Haunting) and a DVD (Elvira the mistress of the dark, or something similar… never heard anything about). We saw Haunting yesterday. I really enjoyed it even if it’s not perfect at all – he get a little bored sometimes.

And now… now I’m here, calm and fairly happy. He’s going to be here soon, and in the meantime I download some brushes for Photoshop and some patterns. The sky’s blue. And life is beautiful

OMG

So, we’re going to the mall this afternoon… (we = me and my boyfriend) cinema and milkshake and shopping have to make me smile. At least I hope so, and I pretend it’s all right.
But it’s not.
I continue thinking about his work and the possibility we don’t see each others for too much. I’m psychotic, I know u_u and the worst is that I won the Warner competition, a trip 4days 3nights in London, seeing the set of Harry Potter 5 and so on, and we’ll go just the week before he starts the nights (if he’s going to work at night, at least. And I hope he isn’t)… so I’ll spent the whole time thinking about that just after a week completely with him we’re going to not see each others for 5 days. I’m going to ruin my vacation and he’s going to get annoyed by me and so on.
I’ve got to stop this. I’ve got to learn thinkin’ only at the moment, and not ruinin’ the present thinkin’ about the future or the past.
It’s an hard work for me, ’cause I simply can’t live the present itself, but I must learn. Or at last he’ll get tired of it and of me, and it’s the last thing I want to happen.

So! Today I’m gonna have a beautiful day, drinkin’ coffees and banana milkshakes and buyin’ everything I want (for the first time I have some money, ’cause I received the payment for two weeks of job, and not only one as usually), watchin’ Silent Hill with him and screamin’ like mad when I get frightened. And I’m going to enjoy the present, not to worry the future. That is, as the word says, future. I’ll worry when it will be present, that’s it.
And my strenght is going to impress him and it will make him proud of me, and we’ll love each others much more.
I’m still thinkin’ about the future, yes, but it’s a 2-hours-future, and it’s positive, and I can think about that.
I’m going to smile. No matter what.
We’re still together, that’s what I care about.
We’re still together after three years and a half (almost), we’re still lovin’ each others, although all the problems we have had. And then, what matters if he has to work? We will still love each others.

Who’s “me”

So… I think I have to write down something to introduce myself.
I’ve never been that good at doin’ it, I’m not able to talk about me… but I’m gonna try.

I was born on September 22nd 1984 and grown up with few/no friends. No brothers or sister, no cousins, I’ve often felt alone, and I often feel still the same – except for my boyfriend I spend the most time alone in my room in front of this thing called PC. I can say I’ve got two Friends, and I mean the kind of person with whom you talk about yourself and your problems and with whom you can always have back your smile, and a “brother” (it’s not really my brother, as I said I haven’t got any) I knew on my firts school day (Sept. 17th 1990)… We knew since so long that it’s really like a brother, he sometimes come to sleep here with me and nobody has problems, even my boyfriend – we don’t really sleep, by the way, ’cause we always spend the whole night watching every kind of movies, eating and smoking. Uh, yep, I do smoke.

I knew my boyfriend at the birthday party of my best friend, on February 22nd 2003. The third of March we were kissing near his house – 03.03.03, find out what’s my favourite number!
I knew my best friend ’cause we had a friend in common, and I knew this one thanks to the person who hurted me more in my whole life – which was my best friend then. Explainin’ better: Ettore (my best friend) <- Diego <- Enrico (who hurted me).
Uh, when I said ‘friend’ in this post I always talked about males. I don’t have a real female friend, even if there’s some girls that are pretty close to be my ‘friends’, but the one I love more lives about 500km from me and we see each others only once a year, at the Harry Potter’s Day, a meeting about Harry Potter. As you can easily find out, I love HP!

I’m not a simple person. I have panic attacks when I can’t see my boyfriend, even if it’s only for a day. And he has just find a work that holds him away from me for 5 days every three weeks – and I’m going to go mad, really. Also because all that I have to do now is stayin’ in front of the PC or reading. I work too, but only two hours for three days a week.

I’ve attended the university for three years, but then I changed my mind and in September I start again, new lessons, new courses, new study. I want to become a teacher – I sometimes give private lessons and I love it, for me it’s the most satisfactory job in the world, even better than playin’ in theatre (which I used to do in the high school and which I really love).
I love studyin’, I’m really curious and I always want to know and understand everything. I love reading too.
I used to play the piano, but it’s a long time since I stopped. Sometimes I miss it, but it wasn’t “my way”. I sing too. I love music, almost every kind of it, but I prefear rock, metal and some pop. I don’t like disco and dance much – and I hate discos – and hate reggae.

Oh. I wrote more than I’ve ever done in italian! It’s 4.22 in the morning now, and since I’m finally going to the greatest mall in my zone tomorrow… I think it’s better if I sleep a little